I've read that if a man (or woman) reaches the age of 40 and their goodness has not yet overpowered their evil, then they are basically doomed. I sat a lot with this quote. It scared me. I have always viewed 40 as such a long way ahead. "I have time to figure my sh*t out". But now as I'm knocking on its doors, I feel an immense need to sit, and reflect on what this actually means.
I don't believe the idea is for us to be righteous, at least not all the time. I think it's about being aware of your state. Realizing where you are, where your heart is going, what brings your faith up (or down), all of these are signs of righteousness. This is where I've always got it wrong. I misunderstood what it meant to be "good". I confused it with being perfect. Little did I know that is far from we were meant to be.
As I grew older, and as the age of 40 started to become a soon-to-be reality, I became certain that "perfection" is not the goal. It can't possibly be. I was so far from it, and there was no imaginable reality where I would come even close to it. There must be something else. And it became clearer and clearer that righteousness is redirecting my heart and soul to Allah, even if I don't go at full speed. The right predisposition is enough. At least to start.
That intention alone does miracle. "Allah, you know what is in my heart. You know I want to come to You, but I don't know how. I am weak. I am pulled away by a thousand forces away from You, but You already know that. I leave myself at Your disposal, do with me what You wish".
The intention is redirecting the heart to a general state of wanting goodness, and hopefully getting rid of evil bit by bit. And that is all what is asked for us. Bit by bit. Day by day. Breath by breath. Until one day with His grace alone, will our goodness overpower the evil. And that is true peace.
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A.T.
Wow! This is is powerful. That quote would have scared the cr*p out of me, too. I think Thoreau has this line “I have always been regretting that I was not as wise as the day I was born,” and me, too, because it feels like the older I get, I’m going the wrong way, getting worse instead of better. But this here is wisdom that saves. That definition of goodness not as the straight and narrow but the curve, ability to redirect, to swerve, to make that turn, change your mind, repent. And I hope you don’t mind if I steal that prayer. It’s the perfect prayer for my imperfect striving toward God. Thank you for this gift!